Dear Angels.....

Dear Linnea:

My sweet girl...where to begin. I want to let you know how much I love you. I love your zest and enthusiasm for life, please never change that. You have such a joy about you and a love of all living things. You have such a bright personality that is contagious. I love how you have such a curious spirit about you and you are never afraid to wonder and ask why, however at the same time you have a strong confidence about you that I hope you never shake. You are determined and you can succeed in this life. I am amazed as I watch you at how bright you are, you learn at an amazing speed. You are talented in movment, music and words. You understand and are in tune with others' feelings and nothing can make me feel better than a sweet encouraging hug from you. I know there are times I make mistakes and I hope you will always find it in yourself to forgive me, I try my best. After all you are my first baby so I am still learning along with you. You are beautiful sweet girl, I love you forever and ever. I hope I always express that to you throughout your life. I see your sweet spirit and the innocence and how close you still are to your father in heaven, I pray that you will keep that closeness throughout your life. You will achieve so much Nea girl just keep being you, never let someone make you feel inferior or that you should change yourself. I love you

Love, Mom

Dear Drew:

My little monkey. You have brought such a happiness to our home in the short time you have been on this earth. Your contagious smile could make anyone melt. Your curious nature at exploring this huge strange world is wonderful. I pray that you always keep learning and trying to learn in this life. You have such a special spirit about you Drew boy. I look at you and feel so blessed to have you in our lives. I never imagined I could love a little boy so much! I look forward to you growing, learning, developing and showing us who you will be as an individual. You are so calm and peaceful and love to give love even at such young age. How could I ever ask for more. You are so precious to me and I will forever love you no matter where life takes you. You can achieve whatever you set your mind to. I hope you realize that we are here to guide you, support you, and love you. Always know that you have me and daddy here to help you in any time of need you may have. Keep your sweet spirit, your calmness and happiness. This life is meant for happiness even through our trials. I love you my angel boy.

Love, Mom

Our sweet boy

Little Andrew turned 6 months old on the 17th! I can't believe how fast time goes. He is so precious to us!

Some fun things about Drew

- He loves to hide his face when he smiles

- paper is his favorite toy

- he can sit all by himself

- he loves squash and bananas

- he loves to eat period.

- he loves to grab everything in sight

- he loves to sleep on his tummy

- he loves his daddy's silly voices

- he loves to play patty cake and peek-a-boo

- he rolls everywhere and so desperatly wants to crawl.

- he loves his big sister...she can light up his face faster than anyone

- he loves to be held and snuggled

- he growls all the time

We love Andrew and are so happy he was placed in our family. He truly has added so much happiness to all of us! I love being his mommy and look forward to each day with him learning all about his sweet developing personality!

Kids

well I am finally updating. Here are some updates on the kiddos. sorry some of the picturesb turned.

LINNEA:

Nea has changed. She officially is my little girl not baby girl any more...very bitter sweet. I look forward to all the new changes, but still can't get over the fact how quickly kids really do grow up. She has started a pre-preschool with some little neighbor friends twice a week for an hour. It is adorable to listen to her randomly singing the ABC song. She loves learning, one night she just insisted I read her Big Bird shape book like five times. I can't tell you how much I enjoy seeing her grow and develop into own person. She is more independent than ever. I am constantly reminded that she can "do things hersself" :) She even tries to buckle herself in the car...needless to say it means loading the car takes and extra ten minutes, but it's fun to watch her detemination. She has increased her obsession with horses even more, if that is possible. She sleeps with 100 animals I swear every night piled all over her little body and each one must be accounted for as part of the bed time routine. She is constantly playing with her toy horses and I love to watch her talk for them and really show her imagination it is adorable. She loves Disney movies and is really looking forward to going to "big Cinderella's house" in a few weeks (aka. Disneyland). One of Nea's greatest accomplishments these past few weeks is she is now officially POTTY TRAINED!!!! It literally took about 5 days and she is sleeping through the night dry and naps it is AWESOME! Buying the two sets of diapers was really denting the budget. Linnea is such a bright spirited girl, she can't talk to someone without bouncing up and down. I need to work on patience some days, but most days I can't get enough of this independent, tender hearted red-head.....we love you sweet girl

ANDREW:

look how much he has grown

This little man has really grown over the last little while. He is sure developing his personality. He will smile at you then quickly hide his face and be shy. He loves, loves, to be on his tummy. He is rolling all over the place and really trying to get on his knees. He can sit by himself now and play which is a beloved landmark for me...I love to be able to just plop them down and have them be happy cause they can see. He loves his sister....especially her hair (which she doesn't always appreciate) He is almost 6 months old can you believe it! He is super mellow, but he can let you know very quickly when you aren't paying enough attentio to him. He loves to be held and cuddled, such a sweet man. He loves his Daddy because he is super silly and loves to wrestle with him. He tries to eat everything and many times we will see him face plant chasing the carpet :) He is slowly taking to solid foods, he really is so picky I can't believe it. He loves bottles now which is such a relief for me as many of you know that was quite the struggle. He is so curious and loves to look at everything. You can almost see his little mind working to figure this world out. Andrew's newest accomplishment is...he cut his first tooth this weekend!!!! Yay...this little stinker has been playing with him for two months and it cut through yesterday!!!! He cut his tooth alot earlier than Nea. We love you baby boy!

I am amazed at how different my two kids are. I am so grateful to get the chance to get to know them and be their mommy!!!!

Get Thee Hence.....

I've had a lot of thoughts go through my mind the last few weeks, we've been progressing I thik pretty well in our new adjusted life. Derek will be starting tomorrow full time school, which is very exciting for us. I feel for the most part I've accepted the fact that yes I will be working and buck up and deal with it kind of a thing. How fortunate I feel to work at a place that values family and respects the fact that every rehab employee has young children that need more attention than their jobs. I couldn't have found a better place to work for my first job. Lately, however I've been addressing some issues I've had since I was young. I believe I've posted things like this before, but I wanted to say how much the Savior and our Father in Heaven know us everything about us, but also how much the Adversary knows us and it makes me so mad that he knows exactly how to play on our fears in this life. The other night I finally got so sick of his silly mind games I have decided to fight back and tell him to "Get thee Hence!"
When I was younger my mom always told me to take charge. He will have no control over me unless I allowed it. I have fears of death. I have since I was little. Before I was married it was the fear of losing a sibling or my parents, it has now moved to losing my children or my husband or of me dying young and Derek bringing in some imposter woman to raise my kids. It came to the point that everytime I would allow myself to think of happy moments such as having my grandchildren, or Linnea and Andrew get married or go on a mission...immediatly those happy thoughts would be followed by one of the following or something like them, things like... "too bad you won't be around to see them, or they won't live to see that age, or you and Derek most likely won't grow old together!" What the....yeah my goodness just let me have one happy moment. Talk about drive me crazy. But I started letting that punk downstairs win...I started believing that these thoughts were Heavenly Father letting me know that yep too bad Emily your family will never make it with long lives. Well after having a wonderful husband talk me through rationally I did realize...why would that be necessary for me to know. I believe Heavenly Father lets us know things if it will help us progress, he doesn't just break some bad news to us and sit back sayin, "yeah it sucks doesn't it....well deal with it." Anyways I also know that if you don't feel some sense of peace it probably is not the spirit. Now I know the spirit can warn you in a situation of potential danger and that probably isn't a warm fuzzy feeling, but I don't think it leaves you crying and feeling helpless or so fearful you feel out of control. And these are the things Derek has said to bring me back to reality. I realized I don't fear dying or death...it's the pain afterwards. It's the longing for a loved one, because I know I'll see them again, it's the heartache I feel I can't handle. But I've decided I'm done letting him win and I'm done letting him have a good laugh with his demon buddies down there at my expense. I know he's loving every second of it. So from now on I'm going to say "Get thee hence Satan," He's such a jerk. Anyways I've also made some goals. Each year I'm going to write special individual letters to my kiddos and husband, not just any letter it's going to be one hopefully they want to hold onto that will help them realize how much I love them as the individual person they are. I also am going to get individual books of Mormon and read them with each on of my kids in mind and any inspiration I get while reading for them I am going to write down specifically for them....that is a stolen idea but I thought it was a great one. And when they are older I will give them "their book" so they can have that extra guidance from me and the Lord during the hard years in life. I've decided if one of us leaves this earth early you can bet that we won't leave wondering if we were loved. My kids will KNOW that I cherish them so much individually for their own strengths and weaknesses and Derek will KNOW he is my life long love (cheesy I know) but he is, he will know no man could ever fill my heart as he has. I'm not going to let these fears interfere with our lives, I'm going to use them to make the most of the precious moments we have here with our sweet families! And from now on when I look at my kids and picture them as young adults with their spouses or their kids or in mission tags...that's where the thought will end. I will think it smile and look forward to it, and then move on! I am so thankful for my hubby, and I am so thankful for the Lord. For letting me put my burdens on him, when I have done it for so many years. I'm thankful for his patience, I'm not lying when I say I've had many nights since I was just a little girl of crying over losing family members, but slowly I've gotten stronger through the Lord teaching me and sending others who are close enough to the spirit to know the things to say to help me!!! Life may be short.....so we better make it a good life!

Guilt...

I'm not writing this to get sympathy it's just thoughts that always come to my mind only at nights...when the kids are asleep and Derek is doing something else somewhere in the house. I've almost made it through my first week working full time, it's been emotional to say the least. I love the work...I love being a therapist, but I feel tired. I have a commute and I wanted to get off much earlier than I have been so I could spend time with my kids, but lately we've been getting home around 4:45 or later so we really don't get as much time as I would like before bedtime. I start to feel guilty after the kiddos are put down...if Andrew doesn't smile much, I think to myself...it must be because I'm gone during the day or Linnea will come home and beg to go for a walk and go play with her little boyfriend, Jude at the park like we always used to do in the mornings, but we can't because it's time to get dinner ready and spend family time together. I think to myself are my kids going to be well behaved because they aren't with me in the day to teach them proper manners or are they going to pick up bad habits from other kids? Are they going to feel close to me over the next few years? Will they ever know how much heartache this causes me? I worry I don't spend enough time with them in the evenings because we still have a house to take care of meals to make. I know what we are doing is right, but I can say this is the hardest most painful thing I've done this far in my life. Anyways I just needed to vent some emotions so they can leave my head. I love my family and I am willing to sacrifice for them, and right now I hope my kids can understand someday we all sacrificed so Derek can acheive his goals....that is our priority right now! And it is the right thing to do, it's just not easy.

A new chapter

Well we've had some change of plans that I didn't see coming, but we have decided with prayer and now we're going forward with confidence. Derek is going to be quitting his job on August 15th and is enrolled in full time school and I will be heading to work to be the bread winner! It is a scary thing for me. I said many many times that I WOULD NOT go full time until Drew was at least a year old. It's strange how things change. I found a few jobs, but none felt super good until I went in for an interview at Orem Rehab and Nursing. It was a full time position, but they were willing to work with me. They found another COTA who was possibly going to be willing to split the shift with me, if not they would hire me on at 30 hours a week, so I was pretty happy. Then the other COTA decided it was better for her family to stay in Salt Lake. I totally understand you need to do what is best. So here I was going to be working 30 hours, I was still considered part-time even though full time is 32 hours... the plan was to go full time in January and Derek would start full time school then. so anyways it was nagging at me that something wasn't fitting. Our kids were going to be in Day care for about 7 hours a day (sucky) and we would only save about $4000 in four months after child care and other expenses came out from my checks. It didn't seem worth it to me to basically be working full-time, having our kids stay somewhere else all day long if we weren't even going to be able to build up our savings account to a super impressive number. So last night Derek and I discussed the subject of me just starting full time and him going to school full time. The reason I'm working is to get him through school right? Well we prayed about it and I felt a peace about the whole thing, but to my surprise Derek didn't What??? We had never been on separate pages before, so we talked, did some math some more, then took a break for the night, then prayed some more. Derek said this morning he still didn't feel great about the idea so he asked me to pray about him going to school. Well I did,but again I still felt calm about the idea. I was very confused, because I should be the one fighting to stay home right? Don't get me wrong my heart is crushed into pieces at the thought of not seeing my two beautiful kids smiles all the time, but I couldn't help it I had a very peaceful feeling. So I called Derek a little upset and confused. I had it worked out that it would be cheaper for us for me to work full time since he could take after noon classes so the kids would only be at daycare for about three hours until I came and picked them up that is not bad at all in my eyes, and they would be able to at least be with one of their parents! He said that I made valid points and said he would think about it some more. A few hours later he called me and told me he was going to be quitting his job! He felt that the reason he didn't feel super was because he truly hadn't decided yet if going to school right now was the best choice, but as soon as he did he felt the peaceful feeling I had too. It is working out for this semester so far. His schedule is all in the afternoon from about 2:00 on so it won't be long that the kids will be babysat before I get home. We still will be able to save each check if we discipline ourselves since I will be able to make more than we are making now. It is going to be such a hard few years for me, to miss my kids each day, but I know that the sooner Derek is done with school the sooner my hope to be a stay at home mom can become a reality! I am so grateful for the Lord in answering prayers, even if it is a hard answer. This will be the hardest thing I do at this point in my life, but I have a confirmation that I can hold onto when the hard times of guilt and missing my sweet kiddos come up. I hope that others won't judge this decision of me working outside the home, unfortunately I have faced judgement before just going to school. I have read the scriptures and many articles about mothers and working. I like one quote that was given from President Hinkley I believe in one article it said "to those mother's who have to work outside the home for righteous reasons to help support their family, the Lord gives his blessings, because he understands and knows the anguish you feel." So true. Times have changed in the financial world now. It doesn't mean I don't believe a mother should be with her children at home if she can, but I also know and believe if a woman is called to work outside the home to help provide and support her family, not just to have more money and "things" then she is still a righteous person and no one can say that she doesn't love her children, because speaking firsthand there is nothing I wouldn't do for my little bugs and my heart will ache everyday, I'm starting to cry just thinking of it, but I know what is right for my family. If we're lucky we'll only have about three years until my hubby can graduate!!! Sorry for the soap box, but anyways here's to a new chapter in our lives!

Some recipes

Okay so as we've been trying to eat better here are two things that I think have turned out to our liking the first one is just my made up thing. It started with a night of getting down to the bare minimum of our groceries and trying to make it stretch. Well it turned out to be super yummy and filling and low calorie. Derek actually asks for it all the time. It'll probably be the easiest cheapest meal you can make that is pretty good for you. So anyways...

three cans of whatever beans ( I like black, kidney, and white)
some steamed brown whole grain rice
homemade or bought salsa
some cheese

so obviously there are no measurements just whatever looks good to me. So throw it all in a skillet and heat it up and mix it together. Get some corn chips or tortillas and there you go! It doesn't sound like much but it actually tastes great together and I get full on one serving cause of all the beans. Super yummy! you can even top with lettuce and make a little salad out of it!

Okay I tried the black bean brownies and I have to say I was pleasently surprised. Linnea kept asking for more, Derek said they were good, they had a different texture, but he said he couldn't tell there were beans in them so here is that recipe if you dare to try

1 can black beans
3 eggs
3 T veg oil (or applesauce if you want it healthier)
1/4 c cocoa powder
1 pinch salt
1 tsp vanilla
3/4 c sugar
1/2 c chocolate chips (optional)

preheat oven to 350 degrees, combine beans, eggs, oil, cocoa, salt, vanilla, and sugar in blender. Blend together. Pour into 8 x 8 pan and top with chocolate chips if you want. Bake until top is dry and edges start to pull away from the sides about 30 minutes. I put a little powdered sugar on top at the end and we enjoyed them! They are dairy and gluten free for anyone who has allergies. I told my mom so we'll see if she braves them :) Tomorrow I'm making a low cal garlic chicken so it's a meat recipe we'll see how it turns out. It's kind of fun finding fun healthy recipes and having them turn out to be something my family actually really enjoys!