Have you ever had experiences that you feel will be kept between the walls of your own home? You feel you'll never share them with anyone else because they are either embarrassing or so special/sacred you just don't feel like you'll share them...until one day you just feel like you need to?
Well that has happened to me. I felt that I would only keep these moments between Derek and I but as I was driving and kind of thinking of my experiences I felt that I really needed to share some things that I've learned and how my testimony has grown from feeling like close to nothing...to truly something.
I am writing this post for the spiritual side of things...I don't know if maybe someone out there maybe needs to hear it, I am not posting this because I want pity or sympathy or whatever because LIFE IS SO GOOD RIGHT NOW! I promise, we feel very stress free in our home at this point...so anyways here it goes.
It started around August 2012, we had just moved up to Logan. I had always struggled as a working mom. Derek had attempted selling with Vivint, it didn't work out super awesome, so I went back to being Sugar mama, I only worked half days however so that was better than full-time. I remember feeling like we didn't understand answers to our prayers. We felt so sure that we needed to go sell with Vivint and truly we lost money doing so. This had happened several times previously where we always seemed to struggle with money. We are not big spenders at all...we buy used and we were tight. This is where that ugly snake of doubt started to enter my mind. Why....Why when I pray so hard and you blessed me with these children...do You not help us find a way to earn more money so I can be home with them? Then September rolled around...the end of the month came and SURPRISE! We had a 3rd baby on the way!
Something I will never share with my sweet Jarom, is I sat in my room and just cried! I remember the feelings, I was so scared, frustrated, excited, and angry! I prayed again (one of the last times for awhile) and said "Why! Why are you sending me another one, when I already have to work to provide for my family while Derek is in school!" This is my memory of one of the answers I received from that prayer...one of my for sure answers, before I would turn off my ears and heart for the next few months. I was told that a child is never a mistake, and this baby was coming for a reason. So from then on....no more tears about sweet Jarom. I set out to try and find a way to earn money for us that I could do from home! I felt inspired to write an eBook. I was sure that it would be the answer because I had felt inspired. Derek vividly felt certain promptings as well. I would continually ask him, "Do you feel good," or "What do you feel about things" constantly depending on his answers, all while I was bitterly not saying my own prayers because I never felt anything, I never felt I received any feelings. The highlight of this time was that Dane came home. I remember when Dane came home that night as he was being released Derek and I were there, no one knew Jarom was on his way, I was a ball of doubts and fears and anger which no one knew either, not even Derek. I hid things wonderfully. I remember everything spilled over when Dane looked at us with the Stake president there saying what an awesome example Derek and I were of having such strong faith! Inside I was so torn...if only he knew what I was really thinking...so needless to say that was an emotional night.
So we wrote our book! It truly has been fun in hindsight, but did it make enough so that I was able to quit my job...most definitely not. I went into a deeper bitterness inside and had more doubt creep in about answers to prayers, even guidance I had searched for in the scriptures. During all this turmoil inside myself I would find ways to stay home from church at least once a month and use my pregnancy as an excuse. Right after Christmas we learned that Derek's education would take another 5 years at Utah state. We needed to figure something else out. Since we had #3 coming we couldn't stay in school for that long so we started searching for other options and eventually decided that we would head back to Weber. I felt at that point that anytime we felt good about something it always changed into something different so we must not have been given answers...we must just have thought we had answers. It was shortly after this that I got a call from a member of the bishopric. They asked me to be the 2nd counselor in the primary presidency! I said yes, although we were moving in a few months, I said yes because I knew that's what you do. But inside I was so nervous how could I be an example to these little people when I wasn't so sure about things myself. But I tucked it deep inside and put a smile on my face and joined the primary.
I started out just fine, I still struggled until there was such a stressful, week that was full of let downs and disappointments I finally admitted what I had been thinking...I didn't know if there was a God. It was so difficult to admit. I talked to Derek about my concerns. I said I never feel anything, I never get any answers when I pray or read the scriptures. All he could do was bear his own testimony. I remember calling my mom crying saying I didn't know if I believed he was there. It was awful. If there was no God then that must mean I won't be with my family forever....out of everything I needed to believe that I would be with my kids and husband forever...and now what if that just simply couldn't happen. What if when we died no one was there to greet us, it was all a lie! Again all anyone could do was bear there own testimonies.
I continued on, keeping my true feelings hidden. I now know I must have been called to primary for a reason. Those kids were there to help me hang on they were there to help me remember what I always had believed and known. I can't remember all the details, however I remember on day a little 6 year old girl had to give a talk in sharing time. At the end of her talk she bore her testimony. I remember hearing her share her simple testimony on how Christ loved her and knew her, how she loved to pray and how she could be with her family forever! As she was bearing her sweet testimony I remember feeling something! For the first time in months it seemed I felt that burning that what she was saying was true. The ice around my doubt filled heart was chipping away. I sat behind that little girl just crying. Somewhere inside I felt that it was true what she was saying.
After that experience I read and held onto the talk given by Elder Holland about holding onto the faith you have, instead of worrying about the faith you don't have. So I replanted the seed. I remember kneeling down that night and saying a prayer. I told him...ok....here I am. I'm not letting the adversary get me. I'm still here. I don't know what to say, but I'm still here and I'm on my knees. So I still have something planted inside of me. I remember I didn't feel anything after my prayer...but I was still going to hang on. I was still going to talk to Him even if no ever answered.
This continued for several months. I still felt empty, I was praying, but still felt empty. We had sweet Jarom and then we almost instantly moved down to Morgan. Welcome to the most trying 6 weeks ever. I could almost feel Satan sink his hooks in me and try so hard to get me to let it all go...to just give up on the idea of God. Derek's job fell through and we were jobless with three kids. He searched everyday, our savings meant for my maternity leave disappeared and we maxed our credit card. I wanted to give up...I wanted to scream to the sky and say I KNEW IT...YOU AREN'T THERE! But I tried one more time...one morning around 5 Jarom was having such a hard time sleeping so I just decided to go for a walk with him in the carrier and see if that would help him go back to sleep. So I went out into the morning with the sun just coming up with my newborn baby. I looked down at him and felt a stirring inside again. I felt that this perfect little human being didn't just form by chance, you could almost feel how close he was to heaven just being by him. So I gave it one more shot. I didn't ask for anything...I didn't ask for Derek to find a job, I didn't ask for me to be more spiritual. I asked two questions. I said...Do you know me? and Are you there? I didn't feel anything for a few minutes and then as I was almost home I felt something so firmly. I just felt so comforted. I didn't hear a voice, I just could feel so warm...just as if He was hugging me. I like to think that He was. I knew then that He was listening to me. I had memories flood back to me when I was a depressed teenager and the spiritual experiences I had then, I knew he had always been there...I was the one who iced my heart...I was the one who had stopped getting my own answers...I had only depended on Derek's answers...we had a very one sided spiritual relationship. I knew from that morning that for the sake of myself and my little ones I needed to hang on. I knew he was there and I did not expect it to get easier, I just knew that He was there to help me through.
And get easier it didn't. We were extremely blessed with Derek's job to help us start getting back on track. We had our apartment just fall into place so we could stay in Morgan which is where we wanted to live. However due to unemployment we were in financial trouble. We never could catch up with our financing. Over the next few months we hit very, very scary financial issues. I did all I could, I started to sell our life away. I sold nearly every piece of furniture we owned as well as anything extra I could find. I was to the point where I skipped meals to make our groceries stretch. My meals often consisted of me eating my kids leftovers! It wasn't that Derek didn't have a good job, it was that the catch up was nearly impossible to overcome. I refused to look at our account. I got the point of just waiting for pay day so I could get groceries! During this insane financial pinch instead of blaming God this time, I started to notice His hand in our life. Somehow we paid our bills. Sometimes my mom would randomly bring over extra food she had gotten at Sam's Club since it was just her and my dad, I'm sure she was inspired. We had a lot of debt from Derek's helicopter school as well as our condo. So in December of 2013 Derek took it upon himself that he was going to fast each Sunday for us to be able to sell these properties to help us get out of them. I couldn't fast so we each did our own thing and had the faith that they would sell. Right before New Year's we were given an offer on our condo that we accepted! We finally closed and sold our condo a few weeks later! With the money we made we were able to pay off our credit card and finally get our bank account back in the black! For the first time in months! We were so grateful! I also was presented with an opportunity to cover a maternity leave for two months at a facility which has brought in a significant amount of extra money for us! Our savings account started to build again. We were finally feeling so much less stress but the Lord decided to not stop there out of the blue...literally...a man in Cedar City called Derek on super bowl Sunday and told him he wanted to buy our property (this is the property that would pay off the helicopter loan) he had cash and wanted to get this done! He paid what we asked. We expected to pay the title fees for about $1000 but we were so willing....you have to understand we have been trying to pay this off for 6 YEARS NOW! So after a few days the title company informed us that we actually had a smaller pay off amount and we actually made $44 on this property! I know that is a tiny amount but to us we didn't owe any money on this debt that had caused more stress in our marriage than anything before!
I am amazed at the journey we have been on! We have been able to overcome so many trials. I went to a very dark place for about a year. I truly believe however....even those with the smallest glimmer of faith can find a way to open their hearts to the Lord. I have been blessed with insight. I hope that I will be in tune enough to notice if maybe someone starts selling all their furniture and they aren't moving I hope I will be able to recognize those that may be struggling and hopefully the Lord can use me to help others feel better and less stress so they don't end up in the dark, lonely state of mind I went to. I know that the Lord is truly there, I believe in Him. I know he listens to us and things happen to test us, but he will answer our prayers....things do work out...it can take years at times or a lifetime, but I hope you hang on during trials. Don't doubt that the Lord is there and that he hears you. Don't turn off your heart to him, or you will feel alone. The spirit speaks to us softly. I was so angry and blamed the Lord so much I couldn't hear Him talking to me and comforting me. I am grateful for all I've learned. I know that I was given some experiences these last 18 months so that I will be able to hang on to those feelings when trials hit us again...I'm not perfect....I have a lot of work still I need to read my scriptures more, I still have the adversary putting thoughts to cause me to doubt in my head, I need to attend the temple more often, however I am trying to progress, I'm trying to just build my faith right now. I know He lives and is there for us, I know he will never give up on us, even when we blame and shut ourselves off from Him, He is there to help us find our way back...we need to just be open to see His hand in every step of our lives!
