I re-lived one of the most horrific experiences of my life last night...in a dream. It was the first few minutes of Linnea's life.
What you may say would make the birth of your first child horrific...try having no sound when she comes out and a red blinking light and a team of nurses and respiratory therapists rushing in. Try watching your husband freeze and your mom crying her eyes out...and never hearing your baby cry! The worst part is...the medical staff never told me what was happening. They smiled at me and said everything is fine...as a mom you know everything is not fine.
Finally after what seemed like an eternity, but in all reality was a little over a minute I heard Linnea cry for the first time. I have her birth on film. I've watched it once since she was born almost four years ago...I've watched Drew's multiple times now because it brings me joy, I can't watch Nea's because she is born blue and floppy. I had the whole experience flood back to me last night...and it made me pick her up this morning and kiss her so hard! I am so blessed my story ended beautifully with a healthy, spit fire daughter!
Why did this happen to her? Well no one had an answer, but after watching the footage of her birth beforehand I noticed something...as soon as I got my epidural my labor slowed down...then I noticed (because we filmed it) the heart rate of Linnea was dropping, then rising...after hours of this she was born. Any type of drug effects me in strong ways. I couldn't walk for hours after delivery. This is why Andrew was born without drugs. I learned that epidurals can at times cause depressed breathing.
Natural birth is not for everyone (I think everyone can do it, you have to get your mind in it)...but it is for me! This is the only explaination I have as to why Linnea was not breathing, it shows on her monitors....so I won't use one again unless medically necessary. I don't know why I'm writing this...probably because it's a very emotional experience and I need to get it out of my mind for now!
I'm just feeling really grateful for this beautiful little girl right now!
Both my healthy kids for that matter!
