Get Thee Hence.....

I've had a lot of thoughts go through my mind the last few weeks, we've been progressing I thik pretty well in our new adjusted life. Derek will be starting tomorrow full time school, which is very exciting for us. I feel for the most part I've accepted the fact that yes I will be working and buck up and deal with it kind of a thing. How fortunate I feel to work at a place that values family and respects the fact that every rehab employee has young children that need more attention than their jobs. I couldn't have found a better place to work for my first job. Lately, however I've been addressing some issues I've had since I was young. I believe I've posted things like this before, but I wanted to say how much the Savior and our Father in Heaven know us everything about us, but also how much the Adversary knows us and it makes me so mad that he knows exactly how to play on our fears in this life. The other night I finally got so sick of his silly mind games I have decided to fight back and tell him to "Get thee Hence!"
When I was younger my mom always told me to take charge. He will have no control over me unless I allowed it. I have fears of death. I have since I was little. Before I was married it was the fear of losing a sibling or my parents, it has now moved to losing my children or my husband or of me dying young and Derek bringing in some imposter woman to raise my kids. It came to the point that everytime I would allow myself to think of happy moments such as having my grandchildren, or Linnea and Andrew get married or go on a mission...immediatly those happy thoughts would be followed by one of the following or something like them, things like... "too bad you won't be around to see them, or they won't live to see that age, or you and Derek most likely won't grow old together!" What the....yeah my goodness just let me have one happy moment. Talk about drive me crazy. But I started letting that punk downstairs win...I started believing that these thoughts were Heavenly Father letting me know that yep too bad Emily your family will never make it with long lives. Well after having a wonderful husband talk me through rationally I did realize...why would that be necessary for me to know. I believe Heavenly Father lets us know things if it will help us progress, he doesn't just break some bad news to us and sit back sayin, "yeah it sucks doesn't it....well deal with it." Anyways I also know that if you don't feel some sense of peace it probably is not the spirit. Now I know the spirit can warn you in a situation of potential danger and that probably isn't a warm fuzzy feeling, but I don't think it leaves you crying and feeling helpless or so fearful you feel out of control. And these are the things Derek has said to bring me back to reality. I realized I don't fear dying or death...it's the pain afterwards. It's the longing for a loved one, because I know I'll see them again, it's the heartache I feel I can't handle. But I've decided I'm done letting him win and I'm done letting him have a good laugh with his demon buddies down there at my expense. I know he's loving every second of it. So from now on I'm going to say "Get thee hence Satan," He's such a jerk. Anyways I've also made some goals. Each year I'm going to write special individual letters to my kiddos and husband, not just any letter it's going to be one hopefully they want to hold onto that will help them realize how much I love them as the individual person they are. I also am going to get individual books of Mormon and read them with each on of my kids in mind and any inspiration I get while reading for them I am going to write down specifically for them....that is a stolen idea but I thought it was a great one. And when they are older I will give them "their book" so they can have that extra guidance from me and the Lord during the hard years in life. I've decided if one of us leaves this earth early you can bet that we won't leave wondering if we were loved. My kids will KNOW that I cherish them so much individually for their own strengths and weaknesses and Derek will KNOW he is my life long love (cheesy I know) but he is, he will know no man could ever fill my heart as he has. I'm not going to let these fears interfere with our lives, I'm going to use them to make the most of the precious moments we have here with our sweet families! And from now on when I look at my kids and picture them as young adults with their spouses or their kids or in mission tags...that's where the thought will end. I will think it smile and look forward to it, and then move on! I am so thankful for my hubby, and I am so thankful for the Lord. For letting me put my burdens on him, when I have done it for so many years. I'm thankful for his patience, I'm not lying when I say I've had many nights since I was just a little girl of crying over losing family members, but slowly I've gotten stronger through the Lord teaching me and sending others who are close enough to the spirit to know the things to say to help me!!! Life may be short.....so we better make it a good life!